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  • Writer's pictureCatherine Smart

Chia Whiz

While assiduously not grading MacBeth exams, I found myself scrolling through the internet looking for, well, pug memes (if you must know). And also MacBeth ones. Like this:

And this:

And this:

Oh, also pugs. Because they’re adorable.

I mean, come ON! Lookit those sweet faces!

Anyhoo, during this scrolling, I got hungry (as one does), so I went on the hunt for snax (which are like snacks, only way less healthy).

Well, it’s Saturday, which in our family’s food coffers means we are out of anything that tastes delicious or has cheese in it. I thought, maybe this is the universe telling me to start that New Years Resolution to eat healthier, like, now. In May.

So I turned to the internet again, to one of those websites where you punch in the 3.29 ingredients you have left in your fridge/pantry and the robot tells you what delicious meal you can whip up in a jiffy. Today, after the robot first laughed at me with only a little bit of condescension, it produced a muesli “recipe” that had chia seeds in it. Chia seeds, hmmm. I don’t remember buying them, but they’re here and (saints be praised) not expired. [HAH! Expired! Like MacBeth! Get it? *snort laugh*] Well why not, I thought. It’s not kale, so how icky can they be?

I ate the muesli, accessorized with its chia seeds swirling around the bowl like the aftermath of a kids’ birthday party where they make bracelets out of those impossibly tiny beads. I ate, and ate, and ate some more. The muesli was groovy (you’re welcome, 40-something Mom bod). But those chia seeds…again, hmmmm.

I’m left scratching my head a little. They look like poppy seeds but without that weird flavor. They don’t taste like anything, really. But what do they DO? Will I look younger? Be less likely to make old lady creaky noises when I sit down or climb stairs? Will I remember which of my kids I’m talking to [mom code for fussing at them] while I’m talking to them?

The only real impact I can see is that, like their doppelgängers–those overflavored poppy seeds–chia seeds leave a pretty significant trail of…themselves, all over your teeth. I’ve been flossing and brushing intermittently all morning because they keep appearing in all those dental nooks and crannies. Chia seed residue is like the aftermath of eating Oreos, minus all the deliciousness of eating Oreos. Chia seeds reappear in my teeth like zombies in the Walking Dead, or like Michael Corleone’s enemies in Godfather III. “Just when I thought I was out (of the bathroom brushing my teeth), they pull me back IN!”

The jury’s still out on this particular healthy food. So the chia seeds can stay (makes mental note to buy more dental floss). But I’ve got my eye on you, kale. Stay away from me. Spinach and I get along just fine, we don’t need you elbowing in on our relationship.

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